New year, new me?

Guys, guys. Please just take this in. Just a little something before heading into the new year! I’ve been moved to share my story on a number of occasions, but fear took over… He has granted me the strength to overcome this, and now here I am. I pray that this truly triggers change for someone.

Right, at the beginning of this year… I hated myself. I really did. My closest friends tried to reach out to me, but nah. My family didn’t understand why I always secluded myself either. They never understood why I never said a word… I was going through so much that I didn’t even wanna be here anymore. Long story short, suicide was looking like an option. But guess what? I legit heard a voice tell me “Now isn’t your time, no…” At that same time, the enemy was trying to tell me to go ahead. So many times I had been warned, but yeah, I took some pills anyway… But I’m still here. Wanna know why? Because it really wasn’t my time to go. I’m still here.

Truth is, during my mid teenage years, ask me if I cared about anyone but myself? I really thought I was a boss lady. Sex, weed, alcohol and parties were my tingggggg. Parents? What are those? My phone was full of “where are you?” messages and missed calls from Mummy. Had a couple man here and there… I mean, it’s actually a joke looking back. The lack of respect I had for anyone, let alone myself. 

Got a bit older now… I had a man, I calmed down a bit you’d think… Kinda. My love for lust grew, didn’t let a day go by where I wasn’t high. My education was really not a priority. College started at 9am, I was there at 1pm.

I could go on about how crap I was forever, but no, that is not the purpose of me sharing this… I want you all to all know, that no matter what you’ve been through, there is always room for improvement. 

Let’s get back to the beginning of this year.

January 2015: It was then that I had truly taken acknowledgement of the change God had brought to my parents marriage and life at home. He seemed to have put in work on them, so I thought why not? My New Years resolution was to get closer to God. I didn’t know how to pray, but I spoke to Him. I just asked Him to show me that He was real…

Long story short, this year. I can honestly say so much has  been revealed to me, but I’m gonna write about a couple because to be quite frank, I can write for days lol. But firstly…

1. Don’t be afraid to take a step out of your comfort zone.  

If you want a different outcome within life, you’re gonna have to do things you may have never done before, but guess what? You’re not alone. God is always with you. I was in a relationship right, boy… The more time I spent trying to work things out with this lad, the more God spoke to me. I knew damn well the relationship wasn’t sitting well with my spirit, but I was afraid of change. I started compromising, doing things I didn’t wanna do, until my body really started rejecting the whole idea of lustrous “intimacy”. And that’s when I was revealed to this magical scripture:

  

Tadaaaaaaaa! 

Anyone how knows me knows that this is by far my favourite verse! You will tell yourself you can’t, but you really can. Especially if it’s for your benefit. God said leave this relationship… The joy I felt when I finally did. I know it was only Him that gave me that strength, because I was weak, and reliant on the love of my now ex. 

(Ladies, never become so reliant on a man that you can’t even leave your house unless you’re going to see him. Allow it. You’re stronger than you think.)

Following on from that…

2. Ask God and He’ll provide.

Now, after this break up believe I had nearly nobody. By this time I was becoming stronger in my faith, but many of my friends were still doing the same old. I had enough of that lifestyle, so I asked for new friends. Couple months later, I was introduced to my prayer sisters! 

Previously, I had mentioned I was useless at college right? My grades were an absolute shambles. But again, He did His thing. I am currently studying at MDX university. My UCAS points were useless too lol. I didn’t go through clearing, He knew that was the uni I desired. He knows what your heart desires, ask Him to give you what you want!

I’m trying to compress the amount of things I have asked for, but honestly, if you don’t ask, how do you expect yourself to receive anything? Be bold! Be confident with what you ask for! Have faith! Yeah, it seems like such a Christian thing to say, but it’s leaps of faith that grant you your hearts desires. The Lord will never let you down boo!

I’d just like finish off by saying that if you’re reading this, I hope you have been blessed by this in some way. Being someone who has literally gone through hell and back, I never thought God existed tbh. I’m pretty tired, it’s 3am and my bed is hollering my name.

But please, don’t take this life that you’ve been given for granted. I really didn’t think I was good enough at all. I have hurt, been hurt, been broken, wanted death more than life… It’s not about what I want. I just pray that someone takes a chance. God pulled me out of the darkness, things have not been perfect, I won’t lie to you, but they have been worth it.

I’m gonna leave you with this scripture:

  

Let this New Year truly be new. I can honestly say, I am not walking out of 2015 the way I walked in. It was all God. Let Him bring you joy the way He has done so for me!

If you would like to contact me at all I am on social media, I would happy to share more on my experiences. 

Twitter and Instagram: jeansytono

Once again, thank you and God bless! ❤️